Without

by Ny Oh

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02:10
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02:40

about

It was the beginning of July. I was on my way back from Devon on a bus. I’d reached a point in my heartbreak where wrecking myself was no longer a way to avoid dealing with my pain, it had become unavoidable.

On that preface, crammed on a stinky Megabus, feeling like a shell of a human, I felt this energy rise in me, the need for internal clarity.
But I couldn’t just whip my guitar out, so instead I reached for my phone. 6 hours later and I’d typed down the lyrics to God knows how many songs, all that anger, sadness, frustration, loss came spewing out.
I didn’t go back and read them, it felt good to just have that all out of me.. I did have the intention of sitting down and putting them to song when the moment felt right.
A week later my mum arrived from wherever she arrives from (it’s different every time) and she needed a new phone. Without thought i reset my phone and gave it to her.
I woke up, maybe 10 hours later, with the realisation of what I’d done.
‘I’ve just deleted all those lyrics haven’t I?’
&^#&$#)$&&#@$)#$ >>(@$*$&\

I was devastated at my disregard for my own emotions.
It’s 2am, my mum is asleep next to me, my nan in the next room. I need to cry. I need to go outside. I need to smoke. I go downstairs.
The loss of those lyrics, the loss. Everything was fresh again. Just as it had been in April.
I put my voice memo on record, picked up my guitar and for the next 45 mins I played these songs, one after the other, as if they were already formed, just as you hear them.
They’re nothing like those original notes from the Megabus, maybe you could call them a ‘refined version’, whatever you call it, they came out fast and real.. I guess I had to break my heart again to really get out the truth. (losing lyrics as a songwriter is fucking heartbreaking).

Just before I left the UK I had a spare day and wanted to get these recorded, so I could leave feeling they were really ‘off me’.
Going back into that emotion again was a hard but beautiful lesson to learn in terms of trying to record something in a very emotional state. I cried most of the time, and you can hear that, the slobby sniffs, the jangly guitar, i’m hurt.
I didn’t think I’d ever release them because of that.
It’s so personal...my songs are all personal, but these ones are like when someone opens your diary and reads some deep shit.
But if this year has taught me anything it’s to allow myself to be seen…
And in turn to allow space for people to feel everything. By sharing what my heart wants to get off itself, i heal myself through the process.
It’s been a year of crazy highs and lows for me, as I’m sure it has for you too.
I want to thank those people who have pulled me through it, you know who you are.


This is my offering to you 2018

credits

released December 25, 2018

Ny Oh
Leon Marley Itzler

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all rights reserved

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about

Ny Oh London, UK

Dancing, singing, eating, walking, feeling stuff, writing it down, putting it here.

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Track Name: Thank you
Come back to me oh don't worry
Where are you going off in a hurry
Tonight is all i want

I'm sorry that i was spiteful
And often made jokes at your cost
'Cos i don't believe that i ever meant say those words

Oh it's gunna take time
To trust in a love that divine
Oh it's gunna take a long lot of travelling
Over some hills and past the horizon
To forget this love

I wrote some angry words out
On my iphones notepad
Oh baby 6 hours of furiously typing away
Only to delete what i said
Accidentally

Oh It's gunna take time
To believe in a love that divine
Oh it's gunna take a long
Long of travelling
Over the hills and past the horizon
To forget your love

Oh i guess that thee words weren't meant for you
Oh i guess these words weren't meant for you
Oh and i guess that all that left
Is thank you
Track Name: Will i ever be loved again?
Sugar i'm still loving all your ways
Even from across these waves

I wanna be mad at the way you left me
But i'm still groovin' always
I'm groovin' always

Blacked out the other night and came to in the middle of a crowd
And i was spewing my guts out cos it it hit me 3 months later
Down and out
You're not coming around
To save me
To save me

Baby it's a shame
Will i ever be loved again?
Tell myself my name
But still don't recognise this pain

Go on and take
Go on and take your love back
'Cos i don't need that kind of loving in my life
Go on and take your love back
I don't need that

Baby it's a shame
(shame shame shame shame shame)
Will i ever be loved again?
(shame shame shame shame shame)
Tell myself my name
(name name name name name)
But still don't recognise this pain

Baby it's a shame
Will i ever be loved again?
Track Name: Wrong timing/ Too late
Shake me again
In the arms of your love baby
Tell me again
Wheres my future when it's humming a song of yours
In my head
I don't know how to relieve this
Around and around again
(thats what you get when you fall in love with a wandering woman)

Oh i wanna pretend
That loving you was easy
Oh i'm still living for then
And know thats not easy for me
(thats what you get when you fall in love with a wandering woman)

You, you know
All my red hot affection was only for you
But that was still not enough
To keep you from feeling the could
My sun
It's tough
Being confused about success and love

Oh i wanna pretend
That loving was easy
Oh i'm still living for then
You should know that not easy

(thats what you get when you fall in love with a wandering woman)
Too late
Too late
Too late
Too late now
But i'm still in love

(thats what you get when you fall in love with a wandering woman)
Too late
Too late
Too late
Too late now
But fallin' out of love

(thats what you get when you fall in love with a wandering woman)
Too late
Too late
Too late
Too late now
But i'm still in love

(thats what you get when you fall in love with a wandering woman)
Too late
Too late
Too late
Too late now
But fallin' out of love

(thats what you get when you fall in love with a wandering woman)
Too late
Too late
Too late
Too late now
But i'm still in love x2
Track Name: Is it fair?
How many times did you tell me you loved her?
But i just let it slide away
How many nights did i think about her
Is she the one that got away?

I'm just a slip and slide
For any emotional feelings
Oh baby i'm a slip and slide
For the way that i'm perceiving this

Tell me baby
Is it nice to have your head buried in books
Instead of my legs
And tell me honey
Does it feel good?
To be working 9-5 again
Instead of being up in my bed
Or should i say
The bed your mumma bought us when she visited
Do you remember when you visited for 2 years then let like a fucking tourist?

I'm just a slip and slide
For any emotional feelings
Oh baby i'm a slip and slide
For the way that i'm perceiving this
Track Name: Big and yellow
Lessons you taught me
Like tattoos on my body
The way that you loved me
It wasn't easy

I will learn to
Love my body
And also when i see my family
I'll try not to be angry
'Cos they remind me of me

And so i stand on the street
At a quarter to three in the morning
Listening to Augustine
And Dancing
But chewing my insides
And dancing
Under the light of the moon
Oh i
I wanna be big and yellow
I wanna be big and yellow
I wanna be big and yellow
I wanna be big and yellow
I want to be big and yellow
Track Name: Goodbye
Goodbye and thank you
I'll see you and miss you
Oh it's the end of a very long day

All that i know now
Is how to play this guitar and smoke a lot
And stay up late
Thinking how i felt

I'm seeing new men
But it's all just pretend
I thought that was only on account of me
But i found out they're faking
And claiming we're not dating
I'm sorry that just too close to the bone for me

Just before you go
Jumping through loopholes
Say again
Will you save some fo the scraps of this love?
Cos' i'm like and old dog
I won't ever give up
On a friend that cared so much (for me)

All of these sad songs
They're reconciling our wrongs
In ways
I'm still yet to see

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